I don’t enjoy pain and certainly don’t seek it out. Yet in living life, pain, both emotional and physical, seems an inevitable part of our overall experience. In my more enlightened moments, I’ve recognized pain often is an indicator for me that I need to take a new look at something, or enlarge my view and see a situation from a new perspective.

Recently I was driving in the car with one of my sons and talking about health. Being a mom, this is a familiar subject to me as I want to encourage my sons to adopt a healthy lifestyle they can sustain as they move out into the world and live their lives. I’d noticed my older son had not been taking particularly good care of himself recently, so I asked him what might motivate him to make some positive changes. His response was that he’s very happy, quite healthy, and sees no current problem. In talking further he recognized he might some day not be as healthy as he’d like, but until he experienced pain of some kind he was unlikely to be motivated to change. While this is not an answer a mother particularly wants to hear, I respect his honesty and realize that for many of us, pain is our wake up call. Pain gives us an opportunity to stop, reflect and evaluate, and choose a new direction or vision for the life we want to lead.

Awhile ago, I was delighted to see a friend I hadn’t seen in years. He is a cancer survivor and has made dramatic changes in his life this past year. We talked about his painful ordeal of cancer treatment and his shifting view of his life. He certainly would not want to experience that pain again, but said he realized this experience was a catalyst for change. He recognized that he might not have a future and this caused him to begin planning and doing the things that were important to him as soon as he recovered enough strength. He is thankful to be alive and has found a peace and joy that eluded him before cancer.

Suppose we ask ourselves, what motivates us to change? Are we motivated by inspiration, pain, or both? When we experience pain, do we choose to respond to the pain by becoming bitter and angry? Or, are we willing to work with the pain and find a way to heal and move forward? What else motivates us toward positive change?

I remember years ago a mentor of mine presenting me with a choice in how to respond to a deeply painful event in my life. He more or less said to me, “You have a choice to make. You can choose to become bitter, or you can choose to work with this and let your broken heart be transformed and strengthened through your suffering.” It was clear he had no judgment of me; it was simply a choice I had to make. I chose to focus on transformation and strengthening and it is an ongoing journey that has changed my life.

I am not an advocate of pain. Long term, chronic pain can wear us down and sap our sense of hope and optimism. With intense physical pain it is important to find effective pain management that takes our overall health into account. With emotional pain we can receive supportive guidance and renew ourselves. Even when we are motivated to address our pain, it is important to find ways of taking a break, having some healthy fun, and remember why being alive feels worthwhile.

All pain obviously is not alike. There are many poignant moments for each of us that are significant and yet naturally weave themselves into the fabric of our lives without huge upheaval. Then there are those experiences that cause us to deeply question life and its purpose and meaning. These experiences can strip away our sense of significance in the day to day details of life, and can leave us feeling disoriented. It has been my experience that as I have survived, strengthened, and healed from these experiences, I have found a deeper sense of meaning, purpose, and appreciation for life. It is my hope that we can all experience as much joy and fulfillment in life as possible.

In your life, when emotional pain grips you, do you have supportive guidance to help you through it? Support and inspiration can come through counseling and psychotherapy, friends and mentors, inspiring books and teachers, nature, uplifting music, spiritual practices and prayers, and other avenues you find meaningful. It might be useful to ask yourself, what quality or qualities in you are being called upon to be strengthened to cope with this current situation? Is it courage, faith, strength, acceptance…? I wonder, when faced with bitterness or healing, which will you choose? It’s a choice that may change your life.